Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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