tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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