My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
