Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
