Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
