You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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