So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
