And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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