I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
