if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
