You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
