She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
