I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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