I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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