just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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