I accidentally had phone sex last night
its not stalking. its research.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
