I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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