I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
