God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
