remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
