The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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