census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
