Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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