The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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