The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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