1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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