FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
