everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
