How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
