matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
