I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize