I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize