I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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