i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
