We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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