I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
