my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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