He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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