I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
