Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
