I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
