I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My vagina is very pro this idea
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
