I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
