Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
