if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
