I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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