Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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