One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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