just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
