I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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