he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm just crazy horny about you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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