My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
