If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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