Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
