420 ftw
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think i peed on brittanys purse
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
