If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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